By Dustin Cabeal

Every read a comic and wonder what the hell you just spent your time reading? I can sum this issue up for you fairly easy, but if I were just to hand this comic to someone that doesn’t read comics they would likely be confused or even want to quit reading it. I hate to say it, but I wanted to quit reading it after about the fifth page. The first problem is the word “Dripildofs.” I feel like an asshole for even making you read that and say it in your head. I knew I was in for it based on the title, but I kept reading.

The gist is that this dude is dreaming and have a great dream about some crazy bedroom with a Jacuzzi and hot babes. There’s a bar and of course a bartender. Then everyone tells the guy they hate him and a bum shows up. Are you lost yet? You should be because you at least had the benefit of me telling you that this was all a dream beforehand. In reality, if you were reading this you wouldn’t know that until page seven or eight.

The dude wakes up to find a little green shit with 90s sunglasses sitting on his bed. Instead of freaking the fuck out and beating the thing to death he holds a conversation with it. I say conversation, but Coo-Coo, the green turd, isn’t much of a conversationalist with his broken English. To get the point across Coo-Coo makes Bizarro sound like a genius. For some reason Coo-Coo, which again I’m sorry for making you say that over and over, tells Fred (the dude) his entire purpose for existing. Coo-Coo is the thing that makes people go crazy and wet themselves in public or kill their dog randomly. Basically, he makes all bad things happen, and Fred hits him with a Converse All-Star and then beats him with a motorcycle helmet. We do not get to see this. It’s apparently PG-13. Fred cages him and waits for him to wake up to tell him that he’s going to kill him. I should point out that our very friendly Fred now has a gun. A gun with a laser pointer attached.

These two converse some more and Fred decides he’s going to kill the rest of the Coo-Coo’s in the world because Coo-Coo doesn’t want to die and will help him. Fred then does some magic research and learns that he shouldn’t trust anything this thing says, but carries on with his mission anyway.

I don’t like Fred. I don’t think he’s a good guy just because he’s willing to murder a bunch of magic fuckers that entertain themselves by making people do crazy and sometimes evil things. Corporations do that too, is Fred going to kill all the corporations next? No likely. This is a story that’s relying on us liking Fred so that we feel sorry for what will likely happen to him at the end. He’s not going to complete his mission; he’s going to get con’d by Coo-Coo, and it’ll all be some game that Coo-Coo set up from the beginning. If it’s anything besides that, I’ll be shocked. I also won’t be reading it.

The writing needs a lot more work. The dialogue is some of the worst I’ve read. I got to the point that I just didn’t want to read any more dialogue. Fred is inconsistent, never likable and honestly comes across as a dick. I wasn’t rooting for Coo-Coo, but I sure as hell don’t care about Fred. Coo-Coo… well, it’s a chore to read his dialogue. You shouldn’t make it a chore for the reader to experience the dialogue. It hurts the flow of the conversation when I have to put on my stupid hat just to understand what the hell a character is going on about.

Then there’s the art. The style is generic, and I’m not a fan of it at all. I see this style a lot in indie comics, and it’s an instant turn-off. I try to give it a fair shake, but it’s riddled with too many problems. Fred’s face never looks the same twice. His nose grows, his hair changes where it’s parted on the same page. The detail from panel to panel varies. Objects and backgrounds are so simple you’ll wonder why anyone would buy a chair that looks like that? Coo-Coo is just confusing to look at. He’s got boots on that he’s constantly showing the soles of, while he wears his sunglasses on his head.

All this and I completely forgot the backup story, which had better art, but the story wasn’t much better. By the time I made it through Dripildofs, I really didn’t care to read anymore, but I muscled through. This story was vague and tries to lure you back with that vagueness. “Oh, I wonder what will happen?” Yeah, I didn’t. It didn’t give enough to itch that curiosity, to the point that I forgot it was in this issue until writing the review. It’s overwritten, but at least the art was better than the first story. Not perfect, but better.

I almost didn’t review this book, but it was so difficult to make it through that I owed it to myself to finish. Maybe the creators will pull off a comeback. Who knows. I’m sure there’s fans of it out there. There’s a large creative team behind this issue, and that usually means a lot of support. We’ll probably get a comment or two supporting it, and that’s fine. As a reviewer and more importantly as a person who reads a lot of comics and wants to spend his time reading good comics, I don’t want to read more of this. I don’t even want to pretend that I’ll read another issue because I won’t. Good luck to the team. I’m just one reviewer, and it’s more important that they keep making comic so that they can get to the point in which they make great comics. Right now, this isn’t anywhere close.

Score: 1/5

Realm of the Dripildofs #1
Writer: Guido Martinez
Artist: Lea Caballero, Mauri
Publisher: Evoluzione Publishing