“I Like TMNT” Retro Review: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures #5

If there is one franchise I never get tired of, it’s the Ninja Turtles. My clan tag on Call of Duty is the FOOT clan and I still have all of my original figures from growing up with the Turtles. My fondest memories of the NES and daycare come from playing the Ninja Turtles video game and I secretly hated the third movie. Why?Because I was a kid that couldn’t admit to himself that there was such a thing as a bad Ninja Turtles movie. Needless to say, I love the Turtles to this day. There wasn’t another person more excited about their return to comics than me and the reviews back it up. But after last week’s snafu with issues 5 and 6 of the new series and seeing how so many fans have those fanboy blinders up, I said fuck it… I’m going to re-read and review a random ass TMNT book from my collection. Now my TMNT collection is pretty large, but I don’t have all of the book by any means. After all I was in the first and second grade when the cartoon came out. But I did get to read the original series in the fifth grade in art class (Thanks teacher's aid who's name I don't remember).

Today I bring you one of my favorite series Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Adventures#5.Adventures used to be code for “cartoon adaption” and really that’s what this was. It introduced new characters either before or after the show aired and sometimes the characters never made it into an episode.They still made it into a figure that’s for sure.

I love this issue partially because of the cover. Man Ray is fucking huge. Like proportionally too fucking big compared to everyone else on the cover. So much so that he looks like he could tackle Lady Liberty. He’s also got a spear gun and although that technically should go against everything he’s fighting against, it’s pretty bad ass for him to have it all the same.

This issue is basically Man Ray’s origin story, which was often the case with the series. The Turtles are in Jersey visiting the aquarium and checking out the Devil Ray when the curator gives them more details than they could ever forget. He kicks them out soon enough and heads out to do some research about illegal dumping in the ocean. The Turtles just so happen to take the long way home to New York by taking the shore line and wouldn’t you know it, the Shredder and his goons Bebop and Rocksteady are in a submarine off the coast.

Our aquarium worker ends up getting more than he bargained for as he’s sucked out to the ocean with ooze covering his hand… the same had that touched the Devil Ray before! Soon enough he’s Man Ray and he’s looking to shut down the Shredder’s plans to ruin the Fourth of July by blowing up the Statue of Liberty.

I’m sure as a kid I found this book to be made for me as I’m actually born on the Fourth of July. How dare the Shredder try to ruin my day or some such shit right? This issue is old and it’s probably the second Turtles comic I ever bought, but it’s still good. I was actually surprised about how good it still is since it was written for children over two decades ago. Just goes to show you that if you don’t write down to your audience you’ll produce a product that withstands the tests of time.

I have no idea where you can get these books anymore and that seems tragic. You’d think that IDW or MTV would be smart enough to start collecting these bad boys and selling them; at the very least start dumping them into a digital storefront. Oh well though, their loss as I would love to have re-mastered editions or single digital issues of this series in particular. You can expect more of these in the future, probably after each new release of the IDW series; so until then… Cowabunga Dudes.

What Do You Listen To?

There is a strange occurrence that I think really only happens with comic books and that’s music. It’s the combination of two art forms sharing brain waves as we engorged in both activities. Think about it.Sure you can listen to music while you play video games, but as game soundtracks and design have gotten better and better most people take out the head phones and pay attention to the game. Yet I find myself unable to even write reviews without some tunes in the background, which I got me thinking. What do you listen to?

I mean I know what I listen to and hell I could even give you specific recommendations for certain titles, but I’m curious about what the rest of you listen to while reading comics. Or if you even listen to music while reading at all. What I find curious is that if I’m reading a book I can’t listen to music. I’m too deep into the story and world that the music becomes an annoyance. With comics though I love listen to an album for the first time as I get caught up on The New 52 (still on the issue fours).

If you’ve read my Nix Comics reviews then you know that I love the strange relationship between music and comics. There are books like Blue Monday, Scott Pilgrim and Hopeless Savages that all deal with music in some way shape or form and all three are some of my favorite books. But what other books are out there?

There’s not much to this article, I just like to poke your brains some times and make you think. Maybe Kevin should have written this article as he’s way more into music than I am. In the meantime if you want to share leave it in the comments. I’m curious to try out new music or old music in new ways. I’ll give you a recommendation of my own and that’s that Dark Horse Presents and Say Anything go pretty damn well together.

Review: Scud The Disposable Assassin (Hardcover)

Review by: Connor Russell I love to find comics that are kind of different to the mainstream as they aren’t afraid to explore things that are out of the ordinary. All sorts of things could happen. On the same day that I bought The Saga of Rex I saw this and bought it on a whim. I figured it would take up some of my time and keep me busy for a while. Thing is, I read through it so fast it didn’t occupy me for long but that is because I couldn’t put it down. One of the best things I have ever read.

I reckon the story is pretty cool. In the future one can simply walk down to a vending machine and purchase a disposable assassin. This robot will kill its primary target and then self destruct. But Scud realizes he will die if he kills his target and doesn’t like that and so only hospitalizes the victim and then takes on jobs to pay for her medical bills. He later discovers that he is part of a much larger plot that involves Heaven and Hell and he doesn’t really like that either. So now he must fight for the survival of him and his friends and his primary target.

Rob Schrab is the man behind this creation and I knew nothing about him except that the blurb said he was a co-creator of the movie Monster House and of The Sarah Silverman Program (I have seen the former but none of the latter).

His story really is an adventure of a bizarre nature. Including zombie dinosaurs, a society of deaf people and a character made of a sack and zips where he stores almost an infinite amount of items inside him. There’s even a werewolf arm amongst the midst as well.

The pacing of the entire story is well done with the fast and slow moments blending strongly into a story with no boring bits whatsoever. Even during the slow parts it does well to entertain and drag you into the world this man has created.

Schrab did the artwork for his series as well. The art is in black and white with the use of bold outlines. The artwork comes across as being simple in that there is no over use of minute detail on everything and a lot of panels don’t even have a full background (with being just black, white or lots and lots of mini dots).

The other co-creator of Monster House, Dan Harmon (also the man behind t.v’s Community) also stepped in for issues here and there of the series. His style of writing differed from Schrab’s in that it seemed to have a witty poetic angle (though I may have interpreted this completely wrong).

All in all this is a story that will stay with you. It is certainly different and shows an amazing story of love with an awesome conclusion (ten years in the making). I highly recommend this series if you are a fan of the slightly different or even a fan of the mainstream. It's hard to try to pinpoint the type of person who will enjoy it however so it may not appeal to the very kind of people I just mentioned.

Score: 4/5

Written By: Rob Schrab, Dan Harmon Art By: Rob Schrab Published By: Image (this collection) Price: $29.99

Want 7,000+ Followers On Twitter? You Should Have Named Yourself The Jean Grey School for the Gifted

I don't know about you, but 7,000 followers for mediocre jokes is a bit too much. Oh, well I guess I should have had the brain child of naming myself after Jason Aaron's newest X-Men school. I bet Jean Grey is rolling over in her fictional grave as we speak. The account is in no way approved or sanctioned by Marvel which makes the amount of followers even funnier since I bet even they are kicking themselves for not thinking of it first. Also, when the fuck did Wolverine become so re-obsessed with Jean? I don't get it. If you want to follow the Jean Grey School For Kids Who Don't Read So Good Jean Grey School for the Gifted you have tweets such as these fine gems to look forward to.

March 14th is C-Day... You've Got Time

In an effort to promote the next Crossed series "Badlands", Avatar has dubbed March 14th as "C-Day." The new series marks the return of series creator Garth Ennis to the book and will be an ongoing title... that releases bi-weekly. I know that Kevin is a huge fan of this series, so I'll pester him on his thoughts of this particular series releasing every other week. It's bold and definitely a first from Avatar. My fear is that they won't be able to keep the quality up that's always associated with their titles. Love them or hate them they rarely sacrifice quality to just get a book released. Also, having been to an Avatar con panel I know that their bread and butter is still variant covers. There's no way they can expect fans to shell out $3.99 for each cover twice a month, it would literally burn out their customer base and force them to change their business model. We'll have to see. From Avatar:

On March 14, Avatar Press will launch the brand-new CROSSED: BADLANDS series, the brainchild of one of the industry’s best-selling writers, Garth Ennis. Building upon the success of three preceding miniseries and an original 3D graphic novel, the new BADLANDS series will be published ongoing and bi-weekly. It’s a huge, ambitious project that we hope will delight fans, capture a new audience, and generate strong sales for our retail partners worldwide.

To create a groundswell of enthusiasm for prospective new readers, we are encouraging retailers will celebrate the launch of the BADLANDS series with an in-store event called “C-DAY”. Retailers are encouraged to stock up on supportive promotional materials, like the CROSSED: GET INFECTED sampler comic and CROSSED C-DAY SURVIVAL KIT (which comes packed with face masks, temporary tattoos, posters, and more), both of which are available for order through the January Previews catalog.

But don’t take just our word for it! Retailers from all over have chimed in with their support for the new series, eager to spread their enthusiasm and share their thoughts on how to make CROSSED: BADLANDS and its C-Day launch a massive success. Just listen to the testimonial of our retail partners!

“I’m always surprised by how many copies of CROSSED we sell. It may not be a mainstream title, nor does it have a television presence like THE WALKING DEAD, but the book has legs. If you stock it, you will sell it – easy as cake.“

– Tate Ottati, Tate’s Comics (Lauderhill, FL)

“Beyond the shocks (and there are plenty), there lies a surprisingly genuine, deep, and engaging story in CROSSED that gives a unique new spin to the survival horror genre. CROSSED is a consistent seller for us, the highest numbers of any Avatar title, and will sometimes sell out within one day of release! C-Day will only improve on that by raising the level of awareness with CROSSED’s first “event”. I look forward to using it to its full potential!”

– Greg Gage, Black Cat Comics (Salt Lake City, UT)

“CROSSED is the worst nightmare I pray you’ve never had. I read it through my fingers. Its sales are right up there with THE WALKING DEAD.”

– Stephen L. Holland, Page 45 (Nottingham, UK)

“CROSSED has served as a fantastic way to reach out to fans of the horror genre that visit our stores. We’ve watched as sales in both the trade paperback collections and the single issues have grown since the series launch, and we are amped for the launch of the CROSSED: BADLANDS ongoing. The perfect answer to that brand new WALKING DEAD fan who says, ‘What do I read next?’ CROSSED: BADLANDS is going to be one of our top picks of 2012.”

– Steve Anderson, Third Eye Comics (Annapolis, MD)

“CROSSED is a series that made me realize that, even as a veteran comic reader and horror movie watcher, I could still be shocked, horrified, and thoroughly entertained by written media. Garth Ennis and Jacen Burrows have created a world so bleak and dark that you can’t help but feel the dread oozing out of this book. If you think you can’t be shocked by anything anymore, read CROSSED and get back to me.”

– Jared Whittaker, Super-Fly Comics and Games (Yellow Springs, OH)

“Avatar has successfully found a needed and desired corner in comics. We sell more issues of CROSSED than all but one of the five different AVENGERS books. I am excited to see a bi-weekly ongoing series, not just for more Garth Ennis (who is one of our shop’s top selling authors), but for the financial increase it will bringtoo. More CROSSED means more money… twisted, terrifying money, but money nonetheless.”

– Matt Johnson, Cup o’ Kryptonite (Des Moines, IA)

Episode 14: Gotta Get Back In Time

Well in this white knuckle thrill ride, a good friend gets us on the topic of time travel (again) by the way of the book, The Red Wing.We wounder why the awesome talent that is Juan Jose Ryp isn't doing the art on the new Nancy in Hell series. Then it gets real indie with The Red Ten and Deadhorse and then some asshole brings up DC again. Oh and I played Gotham City! Fun times are NOW!

Page by Page WTF Review: Infestation 2 #1

I told you I was going to do something special for this review; I just didn’t think that it would take me this long to put it all together. I have zero interest in this book, but I felt like I needed to say something about it. Every time I tried to read it normally, I just couldn’t. Occasionally when I’m reading a comic I’ll tweet about what I’ve just read. That’s fun and all, but if you’re not reading it with me, I just look crazy. This page by page review is essentially that, me tweeting to you about each page and really because that was the only way I was going to finish reading the book. I also have the approved preview to help me with the first few pages, but after that you’re on your own! Page 1

They blame Lovecraft and talk about jail. Also the art layouts are terrible and fail at directing the eye from panel to panel.

Page 2

Again… terrible page layout. The coloring looks like an old brownish photo with the exception of the brightly colored magazine. Also a secret society killed Lovecraft, pretty terrible way to go since it looks like a scene out of Princess Bride, only not as funny.

Page 3

At this point I’m fucking tired of reading the caption squares. They’re boring and basically explaining the entire back story to me so that they don’t have to have a character magically figure it out for us. Also, nice hat asshole!

Page 4

This page shows us which licensed franchises were approved for this crossover. The concept of this idea is cool, the execution is not.

Page 5

A “super vampire” huh? That sounds like a boss from a Capcom video game. Weird close up on Britt’s ass and under carriage, doesn’t quite convey the sex appeal I think the artist was going for.

Page 6 and 7

Not only is this a boring ass page to look at, there is only one bit of dialog. It’s supposed to be funny, but it’s not. If you’re going to deliver a punch line, make it good.

Page 8

These vampires talk like total assholes. Nothing they say isn’t stupid. Also, I’m getting tired of the dotted backgrounds whenever the artist was too lazy to draw an actual background.

Page 9

He punches the “worm.” Again, only one window of dialog and it sucks.

Page 10

I have to say that I’m already tired of this book and want to quit. We’re now in a lab… Lance Henderson is there. Not really but a guy that looks just like him is.

Page 11

Fish things come from the sea and of course walk in a perfect set down the street. At least all of the backgrounds are finished.

Page 12

That is an extreme close up on that fat guy in the terrible shirt. Totally distracts for the red blob of shit on the page.

Page 13

This is the stupidest page I’ve read yet. The characters are speculating about what’s actually happening and nailing it 100%.

Page 14

So this character decides that it’s a good idea to pluck out an eyeball and stare at it. Then his heart blows up, or something.

Page 15

Oh he’s okay… just converting the non-believers. “Dammit, Cross, you’re pissing me off” is correct.

Page 16

Oh a little commentary about the writers hatred for comiccons… not the right audience, that’s for sure.

Page 17

Kudos for the try, but the proportions are all off. Also, stop breaking the panel lines; you’re no good at it.

Page 18

Not Grandpa Manny! No idea the point of this page other than to reveal hood guy.

Page 19

Seriously this artist couldn’t set up a page to save their life! Why the fuck is that chick so dominate on the page? I guess I missed the part where she became the ruler of Oblivion… Let me check the first 18 again…not it still sucks.

Page 20

Vampires killing fish people, doing work. Another terrible page layout I might add.

Page 21

This better not be a double size issue. Lot of heads get chopped off on this page and a lot of backgrounds go unfinished.

Page 22

They made it to the tower, but their dialog is feeling out-of-place.

Page 23

Nothing worth talking about happens.

Page 24

More killing and Britt’s boobies get bigger, but she seems excited to kill her boss.

Page 25

Called it! She’s going to “put him down” for a nap after he eats some ants on the log. Also we see more of the crossovers… pass.

Well there you have it. Maybe it made you laugh or cry. God I hope you didn’t read this book. I’m still scoring it, even though I didn’t tell you anything about it. Actually, Cthulhu is real and invades the planet and crosses dimensions. That is all you need to know. No appearances from anyone other than CVO!

Score: 1/5

Writer: Duane Swierczynski (very surprised by this) Artist: David Messina Publisher: IDW Publishing Price: $3.99 Release Date: 1/25/12

Review: Sekirei - Season 1

I’ve been saving this one for you. Now, not a lot of people I know personally that watch Anime like this show, but I do. In fact I fucking love it. It is hands down one of my all-time favorites. I even like the terribly packaged second season with contain 3 DVDs and 2 Blu-rays. Why is it packaged like that? No clue and I really don’t care. The gist of the show is that a crazy scientist and his science partner find a spaceship of sorts off the coast of Japan one day. Inside are beautiful naked humanoids (98% women) that contain special powers. He reprograms them to be fighters so that he can play God. The reason to watch the show is for Minato and all his lady friends. You may recall the genre I spoke of a few weeks ago in which the male character has too many suitors, well this is that genre.

The humanoids from the ship become known as Sekirei’s and are released into the city to find their Ashikabi. The point of finding their Ashikabi is to find the person that will love them and help them fight all the other Sekirei’s. It doesn’t always work out that way as “marking” a Sekirei is easily done with a kiss… followed by cartoon nudity. There are only a certain amount of Sekirei’s and thus each of them was given a number based on when they were awoken and totaling 108. The lower the number, the more powerful the Sekirei, except for in Musubi’s situation. There is something very special about here.

Minato’s story begins with Musubi (#88) falling from the sky and landing on him; soon after she marks herself by kissing Minato. From there Minato becomes more and more sucked into the “Sekirei Plan” and acquires more than one Sekirei. This is where the too many suitors part comes in, as they all want to be loved by him and by loved by him I mean sex. Here’s the kicker though, he won’t have sex with any of them! It’s funny because his character is clearly into women… a lot, but he maintains his innocence by not sleeping with them. My personal favorite is Tsukiumi (#9), she cracks me up with her dialog and Shakespearean dialect.

I’m finding that I’m terrible at summoning up an entire TVshow, but I don’t care. I love this show. I love the characters and their interactions and really the larger plot at hand is just back drop in order to continue putting the characters in new settings. You can find this show in the usual places or on DVD. Because it’s Funimation and Aniplex that have the American rights, they’ve totally fucked up the DVD/Bluray releases. The first season is only available on DVD and the second season has this terrible hybrid of both in a giant case that’s half empty. It’s weird for sure, but I recommend it because it's uncensored, meaning no mist boobies. Check it out, leave a comment on what you thought of it, be it bad or good. Personally, I’ll still like it and wait with baited breath for the third season to make its way to our shores… sigh.

Lastly don't read into the hype on the forums of the net, especially Crunchroll. Fucking bunch of inside Baseball mother fuckers over there just pulling out different business factoids.

Score: 5/5

Why In The Hell Not? Gotham City Imposters Beta is LIVE!

I've been wanting to play this game for a while. Today I got the Beta key. So tonight I will stay up too late playing it. I'm not sure if that's a big deal or not but depending on how it strikes me, I'll do a small write-up on it or share my impressions on the CBMFP. We shall see.

Review: The Red Ten #1

I’m not going to lie; I knew nothing about this book and basically grabbed it on a whim. A couple of pages in I thought to myself, man this book sure is jocking the shit out of the Justice League. Wow, that guy sure does look like The Martian Manhunter and wait a second did that guy just call himself the fastest man alive? Yes, yes he did. What the hell is going on with this book called, The Red Ten?  Is this a perfect example of someone taking a piss? Or was this just one of the coolest comic books that I had never heard of? When the world’s greatest detective, Scarlet Angel, is murdered by her arch nemeses, Oxy-moron, her superhero affiliated group, The Alliance, begin to pick up the pieces and clues to extract their revenge.

Meanwhile, local district attorney, Daniel Lawrence, does his best to work the case until he realizes the best thing for him to do is to help the Alliance personally. When the team tracks down their former teammate’s killer they get a little more than they bargained for, followed by an explosive result.

That’s all I really want to divulge about the story due to the fact that the way everything transpires is the real treat, well that and the Justice League comparisons.

You know what, I really dug this book. It didn’t blow my mind but it fulfilled its main priority, which was to be entertaining. I wanted to see what was going to happen next; I wanted to see their spin on the universe that millions of comic readers are familiar with and how they were going to work that into Christie’s work. To me that was just so much fun to watch unfold. Who hasn’t built their own version of the Justice League or X-Men and ran wild with stories about crazy adventures? Don’t lie, you know have ya’ geek.

At the end of the book there is an open letter of explanation from the writer Tyler James. In the letter he explains the origin, the inspiration and process of the idea. That’s when all of my questions were answered and “I got” what this creative team was trying to do and I’m completely down for the true DIY comic movement!

The bottom line is that The Red Ten is a superhero retelling of Agatha Christie’s classic novel “And Then There Were None” and that's pretty cool.

Score: 4/5

Writer: Tyler James Artist: Cesar Feliciano Publisher: ComixTribe Price: $3.99 Get it HERE or for $.99 on Submit

We Have Other Hobbies and Do Want! SNK's New Neo-Geo

I haven't read any where that this is actually confirmed, but if it is... I fucking want it. It supposedly comes pre-loaded with 20 classic games including Fatal Fury! If it is real, it would be expensive. Source: Engadget

Review: Justice League #5

Darkseid is here, and he never looked better than he does now under the adept penciling of Jim Lee. Flash starts off the book confronting Darkseid while most of the team lies unconscious from the previous attack. Superman offers to help but gets burned by Darkseid’s Omega Beams. Flash outruns them, but Superman doesn’t. The minions take Superman away.

Green Lantern, the brash, headstrong member of the team, fights next. And he gets his arm snapped backwards. Batman, usually the fight-till-you-die member, slows down Green Lantern by revealing his secret identity of Bruce Wayne.

At Batman’s insistence, Green Lantern stops the individual attacks and looks to unionize the Justice League.

Batman goes off and intentionally gets captured. He works his way through a boom tube and ends up in Apokolips.

The humor doesn’t work all that well (Green Lantern refers to Aquaman as Aquafresh; the group debate over their battle cry). But the dialogue does have some effective points. Batman doesn’t use psychology to get through to Green Lantern; instead, he uses pure logic. Batman states that there’s an Amazon, alien, cyborg, and living lightning bolt on the team, so Green Lantern and he are the closest things to normal. That makes GL stop and reflect. A good point, and an interesting moment.

While the plot is nothing more than the team learning to bind together, the issue did have me hooked all the way through. Part of the reason came from Darkseid’s complete ass kicking of the heroes. I didn’t sit and expect this all to be neatly wrapped up by page twenty-two. And that uncertainty makes this a book worth reading.

For a flagship title, Justice League does its best to represent all the heroes. However, Aquaman and Wonder Woman do nothing in this issue. Cyborg’s only contribution is to analyze Green Lantern who has a lantern magic cast on his arm and suggest that Green Lantern’s arm is broken. Whoa, somebody got the ‘state the obvious chip’ upgraded into his rectal portal at the shop.

Really, why is Cyborg on the team? Is this one of those race card thingies?

Overall, I liked how Geoff Johns crafted a story that felt new, accommodating, and exciting. This kind of work gets me more acclimated to the ‘New 52’ (how long do I have to call it that?).

Score: 4/5

Writer: Geoff Johns Artist: Jim Lee Publisher: DC Comics Price: $3.99 Release Date: 1/25/12

Review: Flash #5

Flash is in this book! Last issue the Scarlet Speedster appeared in only the last panel. Issue five has Barry dealing with the blackout in Gem City. Captain Cold continues to ice things down, and Dr. Elias and Manuel Lago deal with the clones from Mob Rule that have a short life span problem like those replicants from Blade Runner. Flash delivers some emergency equipment from Wayne Enterprises to the people stranded on the bridge. Then he rescues Iris at Iron Heights. One awkwardly funny moment comes from Barry releasing frozen cops from their icy state. One cop asks how The Flash managed to melt the ice imprisoning him it and gets a one-word answer: “Friction.” That’s good stuff.

Flash rushes off to fight a whole gang of clones. When he busts through to the generator that could provide hope to Mob Rule’s little premature death problem, The Flash is stopped my Manuel. As the generator goes critical, Barry funnels the explosion out. And he’s rewarded by having Manuel curb stomp his face. Manuel goes nuts when he believes himself to be one with the Mob Rule gestalt.

And Flash finds out that his Speed Force has been opening up tears in the fabric of space and time. That was a great teaser to end the issue.

This is a well-scripted book. The pacing moved as a Flash comic book ought to. With the action moving from one conflict to another, the story never felt dull or tired. I can’t tell you how much of an improvement this was over the previous issue. We had the Flash AND the build up of key plot points. You can do both, so don’t argue with me that some comics need to build story by not featuring the main character.

I like the new threat that the Speed Force poses, but I seem to be caught up on the Flash’s power in this ‘New 52’ version (how long do I have to call it that?)

Flash’s ability to tap into the speed force means he can do more than just run fast. He can “stop time and see practically every variable and calculate every course of action before it happened (page 6). Seems like Flash’s powers are getting pretty omnipotent if you ask me.

Anyway, this book won’t disappoint Flash fans.

Score: 3/5

Writers: Francis Manapul and Brian Buccellato Artist: Francis Manapul Publisher: DC Comics Price: $2.99 Release Date: 1/25/12

Review: Archie #629 – Archie Meets Kiss – Part 3

Ah, Riverdale. You haven’t been in this much trouble since that Al Qaeda sleeper cell that planned to dirty bomb the sock hop was discovered to be working out of the malt shop. But this is worse… Zombies have overtaken the place. Kiss showed up to rock some tunes and break some maidenheads like they did when the Alive tour rolled through Riverdale in ‘75.

Veronica brought the drama two issues ago when she botched one of Sabrina’s protection spells. And now Archie and the gang have to deal with the fallout of her poor life choices like they did when the bumbling brunette gave them all crabs in issue 570.

Kiss saves Archie. But it’s not permanent. Unless the crew can destroy The Dynasty Amulet, the zombie curse won’t be broken. Jughead cries foul, so Paul cries “Black Diamond” and turns his guitar into a flying ankh. Via a Dickensian Christmas Carol episode, Kiss shows the Riverdale gang what the place would be like if run by zombies. Meanwhile, Veronica learns that the group of monsters (complete with an apathetic Twilight vampire knock-off) has the Dynasty Amulet. The baddies plan to hold a carnival to suck the fun out of everyone. And suck some other things in the process.

Kiss and the Archies get back in time to have their asses handed to them by the Monster Squad (great movie, go watch it soon!). Next issue will tell if Archie lives through this or gets a full-page ad in the yearbook…

I was a little disappointed in the slow pacing of issue 628. This issue, however, moves along better, has cheesier jokes, and features Sabrina in that killer plaid skirt. That said, this issue was better than the last. The story felt more vibrant and less stagnant due to Kiss’ active involvement. And as hokey as the flying ankh was, it did elevate the conflict.

The art is typical Archie comics. That means I may need to see a therapist for how badly I wanted to bone Betty, Veronica, Sabrina, and Salem the Cat. Sorry about the last one, but I’d hit all the pussy in Riverdale. Take that, Gene Simmons.

Score: 3/5

Writer: Alex Segura Artist: Dan Parent Publisher: Archie Comics Price: $2.99 Release Date: 1/25/12

Review: Avatar - The Last Airbender: The Promise - Part One

Let me come out right now and let you know that I am not a closet Avatar fan. In fact everything I know about this franchise was learned watching the movie and wondering how something so bad could get financing. At any rate, when I heard these books were coming out from Dark Horse at NYCC, I had to admit that I was curious. Having never watched the cartoon I probably won’t go into character names and such and really focus on the stories accomplishments. The story begins just after the war's end. This is the war that over-threw the Fire Lord’s rule over the lands and returned the different kingdom’s back to their rightful rulers. Now Zuko and Aang have teamed together to restore the balance to the different nations by withdrawing his Fire people who inhabit the different lands. They decide to hold a celebration to announce the resettlement which really marks the end of the honeymoon as far as the peace goes. Also Anng and Katara start dating and getting smoochy! On the last night of joyful events, Zuko makes Anng promise him that he’ll end his life if he were to end up like his father. Reluctantly, Anng promises.

The story begins following Zuko as he’s plagued with little to no sleep each night. His life has already been threatened seven times and now he’s constantly paranoid of assassins. On this particular night he’s right to be paranoid as a young girl tries to end his life. He takes the girl back to her family to show them what she is and there he makes a startling discovery. It seems that the girl is an earth bender like her mother, but 100% loyal to the Fire kingdom because that’s where her father came from. This inter-bender family shows Zuko that there are other options other than removing everyone back to the Fire kingdom. He decides to call off the resettlement, but without communicating it to the other kingdoms first.

The writing is very accessible for people unfamiliar with the world and characters. For the most part when you're confused about someone or their relationship the dialog will chime in and answer your questions. The pacing is very fitting for a comic book, which is good since the alternative would be TV pacing and that just wouldn't work here. I can imagine fans loving and hating this story. On one side its the return of beloved series, but on the other side they're basically undoing all the hard work the show did. But I really doubt anyone could not enjoy this issue. It has that classic Saturday morning cartoon ambiance that makes you feel like a kid again.

This is a pretty good All-Ages title. Like I said I’ve never watched a full episode of Avatar to compare the book to the cartoon, but I can say that the artwork looks spot on. I’m not sure if the artist formerly worked on the show, but they did a great job of capturing the look and making the comic flow like an animated show. Even if you’re not a fan of the show and only read comics, this one is actually worth checking out. Once I started reading it I couldn’t put it down and everyone loves a book like that.

Score: 3/5

Writer: Gene Luen Yang Art: Gurihiru Publisher: Dark Horse Comics Price: $10.99 Release Date: 1/25/12

Review: The Immortal - Demon in the Blood #2

It’s nearly twenty-five years after our first issue and yet Amane has still yet to age. Times have changed and yet Amane is still living in the same place doing the same profession. He’s just finished with a client as a young woman approaches him drenched from the rain. She asks him his name, but he claims to be Enma Houshou. He sends the woman off, but she calls to him through his door about her father. He’s the man who once threatened Amane’s life if he ever saw him again. Taking pity on the girl he invites her into his home, but still pretends not to be who he actually is. The girl explains that her father has been arrested based on some trumped-up charges. It looks like Amane’s side won the war after all and now his once friend is looked down upon. Amane agrees to help her father and the two head down to the police station he’s being held at. It's little help as the officers on duty are corrupt with power and refuse to release her father. Amane calls upon a favor from a man he helped with his own Oni tattoo and sure enough they get the girl’s father released.

This issue is a double-sided sword; on one hand it’s very good, but totally relies upon you having read the first issue. This is more than likely due to the fact that it’s being cut into four issues from its original graphic novel format. Even still I really enjoyed this issue and especially the steam punk technology that they added subtlety throughout the issue. Even though it’s a period piece, that little element makes it stand out. Better still is the fact that no one acknowledges the technology or tries to explain the how’s and why’s behind it.

There’s not much to say about this issue other than the fact that it was very good, very enjoyable and has gotten its hooks even deeper into me. I truly enjoy the setting and the plot device driving the story. The next issue especially looks promising as the stage is set for even more tragedy. Also it’s worth noting that each chapter seems to take on a different genre, which makes the next issue even more interesting. If you enjoyed the first issue then you’ll like this one just as much, but if you missed it you’ll need to pick it up digitally to know what you’re missing.

Score: 3/5

Writer: Ian Edginton Artist: Vincenc Villagrasa Publisher: Dark Horse Comics Price: $3.50 Release Date: 1/25/12

Review: Alice In Wonderland #1

The most well-known Alice in the world is back in Grimm Fairy Tales Presents Alice in Wonderland #1.  Yep, you know the story; the one about the young blonde girl who enters Wonderland through a magical entrance. She then gets duped by a talking rabbit who leads her deeper and deeper in the madness that is Wonderland.  With twists and turns laced with floating doors and falls that go on forever, Alice ends up in the mist of the Jabberwocky who needs her stay…forever. Trapped, Alice witnesses fragments of her life that could have been through the looking-glass.

The years pass and Alice attempts countless times to escape the Jabberwocky’s hold. Alice, no longer a child and insanely hot, the white rabbit too realizes this and frees her from the Jabberwocky clutches with the help of a Sleeping Mushroom.  Now free, the two head off deeper into the forest. Within moments the two run into The Cheshire Cat and the cat likes what he sees in Alice. But looking isn’t good enough for him; he has to have a taste. As the two flee from the sinister cat, they become separated.  Now alone, Alice stumbles onto a cabin near a beach and into a new obstacle.

Well, that’s a small sample of Alice #1. What did you really expect, it’s still just Alice in Wonderland? The story is nothing new but I assume with most stories that are almost 150 years old, it’s the interpretation that makes all the difference.  I for one am new to the whole, Grimm, Fairy tales Zenescope comic thing. So I really didn’t know what to expect from them and their spin on the fairytale world. But as far as comics go, I must say Alice #1 wasn’t half bad.If I had to be nit picky, it was a tad too chatty at times and I wasn’t crazy about her narration. Due to the fact she’d pretty much say what the narration box just stated. The art was pretty consistent and I won’t mention the covers because they all kick ass! Man, did they make Alice hot.  Did I mention that Alice was a babe? No, really.

Score : 3/5

Written by: Raven Gregory

Pencils by: Robert Gill

Publisher: Zenescope Entertainment

Price: $2.99

Review: Elephantmen #37

Elephantmen is one of those books that tend to fool people with its main story device: Human/animal hybrids. If you actually tear back the images put before you, Elephantmen is one of the greatest crime fiction books on the market. It has a deep message about racism and war and constantly battles between religion and science. This book is probably one of the smartest comics of all time and it will only be fully appreciated years from now when someone has taken an obscene amount of time to break down every issue and every page, much like people do to Alan Moore’s work currently. There’s a real intensity to each page of Elephantmen. There is no filler in these pages and nothing is left to chance or misinterpretation. The first page opens with a Warthog running on a roof top. On the left side his back is turned to us and by the last panel he’s facing us head on, but it’s the middle panel that will consume your attention. This panel in the center shows the frame of a woman carrying two sickle clearing blades and wearing the skull of Tusk… the one tusked Warthog killed previously. It’s clear from the movement of this woman, that she is not running and that is fucking scary as hell. This woman is cool, calm and collected as she hunts down this powerful Elephantman who should be able to handle her with ease. But when we look at the page we’re absorbed to the center. All our eyes can do is watch this Warthog fleeing in our peripheral vision as this person in the center has our full attention. By the way… we’re still on the first page.

Our next page has the Warthog jumping across the roof top and barely making it across, more than likely due to its size and panic. We can see that clear as day on the Warthog’s face as he jumps directly towards us… the reader. It’s clear that if we were there, in the Warthog’s way, we would be trampled by this frantic man. And make no mistake; he is a man and not a mere beast. After narrowly making it across he turns his head to see how far behind his stalker is, but what he can’t see and we can is the woman jumping over his head at the same time… with ease.

Her skull covered face stares down at her soon to be victim and all he can mutter is, “No it can’t be… you’re dead. Tusk is dead!” The fear is overflowing from the Warthog’s eyes and in that exact moment you’ll ask yourself, “What exactly did he do to deserve this?” And that is a scary thought to have, because it means that you know he’s about to die and have associated sympathy with him. He does in fact die as the woman strikes down with the sickle into the brain of the Warthog. It’s not even a gory scene and yet its gut wrenching because you just watched what’s perceived in your brain as an innocent man die. This Warthog that you watched die has done nothing to show you he deserved death… other than being different. Do you feel uncomfortable yet? You should, you just witnessed a hate crime and did nothing about it.

I could very easily give you the short and sweat version of this issue, but I won’t. That would be only presenting the face value story of the issue and it deserves better than that. I know it seems strange to say that considering I’ve trained myself to be able to do exactly that, but something about this book screamed to me to just hook you in and make you want more. The strange thing is that I didn’t even read the last issue, which was the first part of this storyline and I don’t think I needed to either. This issue is so powerful that it stands all on its own.

This is probably one of the greatest single issues of any comic I’ve ever read. It haunts me it’s so good. Richard Starkings and Axel Medellin have put together something so powerful that it makes you feel something on every page. This killer of Elephantmen is one of the scariest serial killers of all time and every time she’s on the page you can’t help but feel uncomfortable. Especially since you know from the beginning of the issue that she is going to kill again and with ease… and still you’ll be able to do nothing about it.

The story is stimulating and perfect. The art is gorgeous and perfect. If ever an issue deserved a perfect score, it’s this one. Buy this book, tell your friends and enjoy a comic book that should be studied and broken down page by page.

Score: 5/5

Writer: Richard Starkings Artist: Axel Medellin Publisher: Image Comics Price: $3.99 Release Date: 1/25/12

Review: Witchblade #152

This was the first book I decided to review this week. Why? Because it’s a good fucking book! This has been one of the best facelifts of any comic in the past year and that’s because it actually changed something instead of caking on more make up. A lot of times in comics they move the character to a new city for a “fresh start” and they end up doing the exact same thing they did previously. It’s a gimmick that’s been done to death with Nightwing as he’s constantly flung back and forth between towns that don't care to receive him. Thankfully, Witchblade is nothing like the afore-mentioned character title and has attached sustenance to her move. Last issue showed a scantily dressed Sara stuck in jail wondering how she ended up beating the crap out of a grandma. This issue starts with her getting out of the clink and rubbing it in face of Jane, the female cop that’s been harassing her for weeks (something going on with that lady). Much to Sara’s surprise she’s been bailed out by the man she briefly flirted with at the club the night before; that is until the flesh-suited grandma (then young and beautiful) walked by and turned his head. Sara doesn’t even so much as put up a fight as she lets the smooth talker drive her to his place. As it turns out her savior for the night is one Cain Jorgenson… a stage magician.

Once at his place he begins a private show for her. He claims not to be an actual mage, but there’s some super fishing shit happening with Cain. Like the fact that he knows what her favorite cup of coffee is, or where she lives in the first place. Cain and Sara begin making out pretty hardcore, when Sara snaps out of it and books it back home. The next day Sara goes to visit the grandma she beat up, but she may be too late as a hottie with purple hair and chaps makes it there first.

I'm still really liking this book and it has me excited to read Witchblade again! There are so many small elements added to the story and art that truly give this book a feel of being in Chicago. The details in the setting really do play a large role in making the story feel like it’s actually in a different city and has real changes for the character as well. I would say this is the first time that Witchblade has ever felt like it was in a real city. New York with out the details is just lazy storytelling and that’s how Witchblade has felt from the start. Now there is a feeling that this story could be playing out in a city you could actually visit. Granted if you’ve never visited Chicago you won’t be as awed by the attention to detail, but there’s enough there to appreciate the change.

Seeley and Bernard have succeeded yet again in creating an interesting story with acute details that rejuvenate a franchise that was suffocating with the same story sequence month end and month out. This also shows that you don’t need to restart a book in order to give it a fresh start (talking to you Marvel, DC needed that shit). Instead with intelligent writing and a strong artistic partnership you can transform a book that most had written off as a “safe read”, to a fantastic monthly comic.

Score: 4/5

Writer: Tim Seeley Artist: Diego Bernard Publisher: Top Cow/Image Comics Price: $2.99 Release Date: 1/25/12

Review: Godzilla: Kingdom of Monsters #11

Don’t let the Titanosaurus cover fool you. The disco-icon dinosaur from Terror of Mechagodzilla doesn’t show up here. What happens in this penultimate issue? Shit gets real sleepy.

Godzilla has been Terry Schiavoed by Mechagodzilla. King Ghidorah lays there responsive as my ex-girlfriend during lovemaking. And those French twin fairies come riding in on Battra and Rodan.

The twins want to control Godzilla. But nobody controls the King of the Monsters. Nobody…

When the twins try to revive Godzilla at a nuclear power plant, Big G turns on them. One blast of blue atomic breath later and those twin frogs are croacking surrender faster than Glass Joe in the first round of Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out on the NES. Godzilla and Battra duke it out in a slobber knocker that made Starcade ’97 look like Halloween Havoc ’01.

Battra uses her kegel exercise eye beams as Thunder Thighs uses his atomic breath. The ensuing blast from the battle knocks out both contenders.

And from the Fap-star One, an orbiting satellite designed to beam late-night Cinemax softcore porn knock-offs of major motion pictures commandeered to spy on the battling kaiju, the human race sees the monsters have knocked each other out. “…The ground has stopped shaking,” reads the caption.

And that’s where I got madder than Alec Baldwin during takeoff. Issue 11 of a 12 issue run should not end with giant monsters sleeping and dreaming how great it would be for a porn version of Forest Gump to be made called Sorest Rump. Tage line: “If I was going anywhere, I was cum-ming…”

Damnit, you end this book with all the monsters ready to duke it the fuck out like the ending of The Warriors. Instead, I got Marley and Me.

So we start the issue with Godzilla unconscious, and we end it the same way. Didn’t anyone fucking proofread this script before putting it into production?

This issue is a letdown compared to the previous stories in the series. There had better be one big pajama-jammie jam to finish this arc off. Otherwise, I will file all IDW Godzilla books in the same low-opinion folder as those shitty Transformer books. You know, the ones with all the talking and no transforming action.

What a disappointment.

Score: 1/5

Writer: Jason Ciaramella Pencils: Victor Santos Publisher: IDW Publishing Price: $3.99 Release Date: 1/25/11